A Letter To My Baby With Love

The following 3 letters have been written by the women who attended our 2007 Support Group.

Dear Charles

I love you.  You are my precious son.  I know I have been distant from you for the past 21 years.  I have been in a lot of pain because of the decision I made concerning ending your life instead of mine.  I have felt so bad about what I did to you and denying your presence in my life, in others' lives and the world.

But God would not leave me 'alone'.  He placed people in my life who were instrumental in bringing me to know and accept Jesus into my heart and life, and also bringing me to this amazing moment of writing to you.  God has forgiven me; I have forgiven myself, and I believe you have forgiven me.  One of the greatest joys for me this year was to celebrate Mother' Day.  I am a mother.  I AM A MOTHER and I am so grateful to God for that honour.  I am also the mother of your sister, Isabelle.  I hope she is keeping you company until we can all be together some day.

I am sorry that the shame and guilt has kept me in bondage, and away from you for so long.  But now that I know God's love and forgiveness and am free, my heart is open to claim you and love you completely and forever.  Although you don't know your earthly father, your heavenly Father has been loving you and taking care of you, but you already know that, don't you.

On your behalf, I thank the many women involved with Project Rachel, especially the other 'mothers' who have gone through this process and have been here every Tuesday night giving so much loving support to us three mothers.  Please say hello to their children for me and give a big hug to J. and C.'s children also.  J. and C are wonderful women whom I'll cherish in my heart forever for having shared this amazing journey with me.

Take care my precious son and daughter.  I look forward to the day when we can all be together and I can hold you in my arms.

Love to you both always,  Your Mother.     (2007 Support group)

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My precious Isabella

I am writing to you to let you know how much I love you.  You probably didn't know that because I haven't let you know.   I have only thought of you in a really bad way with all of my shame, guilt and unforgiveness when I remember the time I cut our time short. 

I was really excited when I found out I was pregnant with you.  I started writing out baby names and I felt in my heart that you were a girl and that's why I named you Isabella.  It just seemed to fit.

I wanted to tell you that you have an older brother and sister and a younger brother.  Your big sister has always wanted a sister and asks for one all the time.  I will tell her about you one day, but she is just too young to understand right now.

I know you are up in heaven with Jesus and He is holding you in his arms loving you.  But one day I will be up there to hold you like I never gave myself the chance to do here.  I will wrap my arms around you and never want to let you go.

I picture you with brown hair and brown eyes like me with a beautiful smile that can light up heaven.  All these years I have thought about you but never knew how you would feel about me.  I know what I did was wrong and I hurt you and me.  I hope you can forgive me some day.

I love you so much and will miss you until the day we are together.

hugs and kisses, mamma                (2007 support group)

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My Dear Little Neil J.

I have named you Neil, because when I had your brothers and sister I knew their gender before they were born and in my heart I know you are a boy.   Neil Joseph is your name and you are named after your great

grandfather who was a very tall, strong and strong-willed man and also very kind, and I am sure he is taking very good care of you.

Neil I want to tell you about your family.  You have a mom and dad and a brother D. and a brother M. and a sister L.  also a nannie and a poppy and many wonderful cousins and aunts and uncles.  Your siblings would have loved you dearly and you would have brought great joy into their lives.  They would have taught you many great things.

I know your Dad thinks about you, even though he does not say it, and he loves you dearly in his own way.

I, your mom, think of you everyday wishing you were with me.  I imagine what you would have looked like and how big you would be today.  Each month I imagine what you would be doing, walking, rolling around, starting to talk or waving bye-bye.

I want to tell you I love you very much, and that I am sorry I did not allow you to be born.  I regret that decision everyday of my life since I had the abortion.  You will be a year in January and in our own way, you and I will celebrate your life in heaven that month.

I have gone to a great support group, Project Rachel. seeking help and forgiveness for my actions.  I have received both.  I am now able to carry on and become useful again to our family and to God.  I am asking you, with all my heart, to forgive me for not allowing you to be born.  I know now that with God's complete forgiveness you and I will be together again. 

I love you dearly forever and until me meet again. ...

love mom                                 (2007 support group)

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To My Dearest Ashley

No words can express how sorry I am for what I have done to you. How I wish I could turn back time and see your beautiful face come into this world. I took away a life from you and robbed myself of watching you grow into a beautiful young women. And I am so sorry.

I went to Project Rachel a broken soul. I was defining myself as the girl who had had an abortion, and there was nothing beyond that. But through the grace of God, through my healing, He led me to you, and He led me to the forgiveness and love you and He have for me. I am eternally grateful. I always think of you, and wonder what you are doing. I think of your smile and the smiles you bring to other angels. I love you dearly and with all of my heart. I carry you in my heart always.

After Project Rachel, I can now say I am defined as the woman who is the mother of a sweet angel in heaven, a forgiven woman who is healed and will turn this into something good by reaching others, for you Ashley, and for the glory of God. I will celebrate you now, instead of burying you deep in my subconscious. I release you from the pain I have within me and now I will look up at you and smile. You are with Jesus now, and one day I will see you again. How blessed I am to have my daughter watching over me and her family. I love you Ashley - God Bless.

Your Mom
(This Project Rachel woman attended the 2001 support group.)

Dear Anthony

My sweet little angel, I miss you so much and love you with all my heart. You are my son and will always be my son.

I am sorry for hurting you, hurting myself. I wish that we could be together. If you were with us physically, we would be celebrating Christmas this year for the first time. You are my present this year, even though you are not here with me on planet Earth. You are now in heaven with God, safe, surrounded by love and peace.

I will always have you in my heart and carry our memories. You mean so much to me. You are so special. Others do not understand how I feel about you, but I know that you and God do.

Well, my little angel, please watch over me. I give you hugs and kisses. Always thinking of you , always in my heart.

With love, your mom always xox
(This Project Rachel woman attended the 2002 support group.)

Dearest Charles

Please forgive me for not talking to you sooner - for denying your existence and influence, for failing you by being selfish and ignorant and denying you the joy and beauty and pain and growth that is human experience.

You are covered in Love, and perfect in Love, and now surrounded by Light and all that is Good. I humbly offer you my imperfect human love. Although you were never in my arms you are deep, deep within my heart. You are not forgotten, and I look for you in the blessings that God graces me with - sunrises, butterflies, melodies and hugs.

Thank you for bringing me to Project Rachel, and closer to you and to God again. You sensed that I was thirsty, and gave my parched spirit much to drink...in small sips that I could swallow.

The skill and insight of the facilitators, the fellowship of women, the shared experiences, and the spirit of seekers have indeed been blessings.

Please join with the others in watching over mothers, fathers, doctors, counselors, lawmakers. Open their hearts, guide their hands and words, and light their steps to the paths which Choose Life.

I love you, Charles, and hope to see you when God's work for me here is done.

All my heart, Mom
(This Project Rachel woman attended the 2004 support group.)

Dear Matthew

This letter is from your mom. I would like to begin with "I am sorry" that you were never born. I know that your were born in Heaven and are there with God and all of his other angels.

I finally feel at peace enough to write this letter! At first I thought I would write to the small infant that I never got to hold. But Matthew, I did love you. I am sure at the time you couldn't understand it. I had no idea what I was doing to you or myself.

I was young and thought that having sex was just that. If - If - Ifs are great! If I could change anything, it would have been to tell someone, anyone who may have talked me out of it. You see Matthew I was scared of many things and for a long time I thought it was only you that I hurt, but I hurt too.

In my mind I see you and I have given you a face - you are tall, blue-eyed, very kind. My other children have asked about you and I told them how I thought you would be.

I am speaking to you as an adult because I can relate more to an adult than a child. Matthew, I often wonder about all of the trials and tribulations we would have endured - probably nothing compared to the past years without you and the terrible guilt I felt.

Although you did not survive to become a chemist perhaps I can go to schools or do something to promote `no-sex' and `no-abortion'. Matthew something positive can always come out of something terrible.

When I was young I did not think of you as a human being. Until this year I always buried those feelings. Now, I have accepted what I have done to us. I will always love you. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom, even though I let you down. I will think of the year of your birth as 2002, because to me that is when you became real to me.

I look forward to the placement of the stone for you and I will come every year to plant flowers. I pray when we meet in Heaven we will be a family - the one neither one of us had.

Love Mom
(This Project Rachel woman attended the 2002 support group.)

My dearest Sarah Rebekah

There are so many things that I would like to say to you, but I just don't know where to begin. I hope that what I say will come out the right way, and not be all bobbled up. I know that you will understand what it is that I am trying to say.

I love you very much and ask for your forgiveness. I am very sorry for what happened 18 years ago when I decided to abort you. You were made out of pain and hate, and at the time I thought it was the right and only thing that I could do. Your father raped me, and to me that was unforgivable. Now, and for a while, I have known that it was the wrong decision to make. I lived with that guilt and pain for almost 18 years, not knowing what to do. How could I have known that all I had to do was to ask you and you would have forgiven me?

When you first came to me in a dream, I was afraid. I didn't know what to do. I guess I really didn't want to accept things as they were. I had hidden the guilt, fear and shame for so long. You are so beautiful and I am so glad I was able to see you.

You have a brother who is 14 now. He has a special place in my heart because I decided to keep him because of what I had done to you. I couldn't go through that again. I think you would like him as a younger brother. He is good and a smart kid.

Your sister is 10 and beautiful. She has your coloring. She has always wanted an older sister. Perhaps when they both get older I will tell them about you.

Your stepfather is a great man - kind, considerate, caring. He has been there to support me and share in my sorrows and joys throughout these past 10 years.

Going through Project Rachel has made me realize how precious you really are, and for that I am thankful. Although you are in heaven, you are in my life and will continue to be for the rest of my life. My life has changed dramatically and I have become the person that I was before I aborted you. You, as well as Project Rachel, have brought me to this point. The horror of reliving it all was worse I think than the actual abortion because this time I knew that I loved you and I knew the terrible wrong I had done. Never again will I think that having an abortion is a way out.

The Lord really works in mysterious ways, doesn't He. Imagine finding God would bring me back to you. Who knew that He could do that?

Although I have been in your life since the abortion, I have only just accepted you in my life.

I am truly thankful for you Sarah Rebekah - you are my precious daughter.

Love you forever, Mommy xoxo
(This Project Rachel woman attended the 2002 support group.)

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